Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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