my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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