Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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