Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
