I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
