dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
