No stitches, just platelets and will power
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
