Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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