her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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