all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
