The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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