She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
