Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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