Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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