when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
