he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
you had me at cake vodka
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
