you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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