so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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