Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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