Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
