after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
