I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize