I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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