Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
