That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
