She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I am spending my child support on dildos
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
