Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
