she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
