i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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