Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
