I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
