Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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