Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
