Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
