I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
