I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
