Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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