Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
