He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
