i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
