I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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