don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
