I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
