my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
