I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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