seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
