his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Swine flu is the new snow day.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
