thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
