Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
