I want to make a zoo with you.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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