I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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