I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
