I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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