I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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