i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
