Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
