Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
