I'm lost and stupid without you.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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