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We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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