Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
