Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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