I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize