btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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