The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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