i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
