There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
you never un-have a 4some
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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