Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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