im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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