I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
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